“Ha, ha, ha! You will be finding enjoyment in toothache next,” you cry, with a laugh.

“Well, even in toothache there is enjoyment,” I answer. I had toothache for a whole month and I know there is. In that case, of course, people are not spiteful in silence, but moan; but they are not candid moans, they are malignant moans, and the malignancy is the whole point. The enjoyment of the sufferer finds expression in those moans; if he did not feel enjoyment in them he would not moan. It is a good example, gentlemen, and I will develop it. Those moans express in the first place all the aimlessness of your pain, which is so humiliating to your consciousnessy; the whole legal system of nature on which you spit disdainfully, of course, but from which you suffer all the same while she does not. They express the consciousness that you have no enemy to punish, but that you have pain; the consciousness that in spite of all possible Wagenheims you are in complete slavery to your teeth; that if someone wishes it, your teeth will leave off aching, and if he does not, they will go on aching another three months; and that finally if you are still contumacious and still protest, all that is left you for your own gratification is to thrash yourself or beat your wall with your fist as hard as you can, and absolutely nothing more. Well, these mortal insults, these jeers on the part of someone unknown, end at last in an enjoyment which sometimes reaches the highest degree of voluptuousness. I ask you, gentlemen, listen sometimes to the moans of an educated man of the nineteenth century suffering from toothache, on the second or third day of the attack, when he is beginning to moan, not as he moaned on the first day, that is, not simply because he has toothache, not just as any coarse peasant, but as a man affected by progress and European civilisation, a man who is “divorced from the soil and the national elements,” as they express it now-a-days. His moans become nasty, disgustingly malignant, and go on for whole days and nights. And of course he knows himself that he is doing himself no sort of good with his moans; he knows better than anyone that he is only lacerating and harassing himself and others for nothing; he knows that even the audience before whom he is making his efforts, and his whole family, listen to him with loathing, do not put a ha’porth of faith in him, and inwardly understand that he might moan differently, more simply, without trills and flourishes, and that he is only amusing himself like that from ill-humour, from malignancy. Well, in all these recognitions and disgraces it is that there lies a voluptuous pleasure. As though he would say: “I am worrying you, I am lacerating your hearts, I am keeping everyone in the house awake. Well, stay awake then, you, too, feel every minute that I have toothache. I am not a hero to you now, as I tried to seem before, but simply a nasty person, an impostor. Well, so be it, then! I am very glad that you see through me. It is nasty for you to hear my despicable moans: well, let it be nasty; here I will let you have a nastier flourish in a minute…” You do not understand even now, gentlemen? No, it seems our development and our consciousness must go further to understand all the intricacies of this pleasure. You laugh? Delighted. My jests, gentlemen, are of course in bad taste, jerky, involved, lacking self-confidence. But of course that is because I do not respect myself. Can a man of perception respect himself at all?

Dostoevsky, “Notes from Underground” (1864)

Dudley Eigenvalue, D.D.S., browsed among treasures in his Park Avenue office/residence. Mounted on black velvet in a locked mahogany case, showpiece of the office, was a set of false dentures, each tooth a different precious metal. The upper right canine was pure titanium and for Eigenvalue the focal point of the set. He had seen the original sponge at a foundry near Colorado Springs a year ago, having flown there in the private plane of one Clayton (“Bloody”) Chiclitz. Chiclitz of Yoyodyne, one of the biggest defense contractors on the east coast, with subsidiaries all over the country. He and Eigenvalue were part of the same Circle. That was what the enthusiast, Stencil, said. And believed.

For those who keep an eye on such things, bright little flags had begun to appear toward the end of Eisenhower’s first term, fluttering bravely in history’s gray turbulence, signaling that a new and unlikely profession was gaining moral ascendancy. Back around the turn of the century, psychoanalysis had usurped from the priesthood the role of father-confessor. Now, it seemed, the analyst in his turn was about to be deposed by, of all people, the dentist.

It appeared actually to have been little more than a change in nomenclature. Appointments became sessions, profound statements about oneself came to be prefaced by “My dentist says…” Psychodontia, like its predecessors, developed a jargon: you called neurosis “malocclusion,” oral, anal and genital stages “deciduous dentition,” id “pulp” and superego “enamel.”

The pulp is soft and laced with little blood vessels and nerves. The enamel, mostly calcium, is inanimate. These were the it and I psychodontia had to deal with. The hard, lifeless I covered up the warm, pulsing it; protecting and sheltering.

Eigenvalue, enchanted by the titanium’s dull spark, brooded on Stencil’s fantasy (thinking of it with conscious effort as a distal amalgam: an alloy of the illusory flow and gleam of mercury with the pure truth of gold or silver, filling a breach in the protective enamel, far from the root).

Cavities in the teeth occur for good reason, Eigenvalue reflected. But even if there are several per tooth, there’s no conscious organization there against the life of the pulp, no conspiracy. Yet we have men like Stencil, who must go about grouping the world’s random caries into cabals.

Intercom blinked gently. “Mr. Stencil,” it said. So. What pretext this time. He’d spent three appointments getting his teeth cleaned. Gracious and flowing, Dr. Eigenvalue entered the private waiting room. Stencil rose to meet him, stammering. “Toothache?” the doctor suggested, solicitous.

“Nothing wrong with the teeth,” Stencil got out. “You must talk. You must both drop pretense.”

From behind his desk, in the office, Eigenvalue said, “You’re a bad detective and a worse spy.”

“It isn’t espionage,” Stencil protested, “but the Situation is intolerable.” A term he’d learned from his father. “They’re abandoning the Alligator Patrol. Slowly, so as not to attract attention.”

“You think you’ve frightened them?”

“Please.” The man was ashen. He produced a pipe and pouch and set about scattering tobacco on the wall-to-wall carpeting.

“You presented the Alligator Patrol to me,” said Eigenvalue, “in a humorous light. An interesting conversation piece, while my hygienist was in your mouth. Were you waiting for her hands to tremble? For me to go all pale? Had it been myself and a drill, such a guilt reaction might have been very, very uncomfortable.” Stencil had filled the pipe and was lighting it. “You’ve conceived somewhere the notion that I am intimate with the details of a conspiracy. In a world such as you inhabit, Mr. Stencil, any cluster of phenomena can be a conspiracy. So no doubt your suspicion is correct. But why consult me? Why not the Encyclopaedia Britannica? It knows more than I about any phenomena you should ever have interest in. Unless, of course, you’re curious about dentistry.” How weak he looked, sitting there. How old was he — fifty-five — and he looked seventy. Whereas Eigenvalue at roughly the same age looked thirty-five. Young as he felt. “Which field?” he asked playfully. “Peridontia, oral surgery, orthodontia? Prosthetics?”

“Suppose it was prosthetics,” taking Eigenvalue by surprise. Stencil was building a protective curtain of aromatic pipe smoke, to be inscrutable behind. But his voice had somehow regained a measure of self-possession.

“Come,” said Eigenvalue. They entered a rear office, where the museum was. Here were a pair of forceps once handled by Fauchard; a first edition of The Surgeon Dentist, Paris, 1728; a chair sat in by patients of Chapin Aaron Harris; a brick from one of the first buildings of the Baltimore College of Dental Surgery. Eigenvalue led Stencil to the mahogany case.

“Whose,” said Stencil, looking at the dentures.

“Like Cinderella’s prince,” Eigenvalue smiled, “I’m still looking for the jaw to fit these.”

“And Stencil, possibly. It would be something she’d wear.”

“I made them,” said Eigenvalue. “Anybody you’d be looking for would never have seen them. Only you, I and a few other privileged have seen them.”

“How does Stencil know.”

“That I’m telling the truth? Tut, Mr. Stencil.”

The false teeth in the case smiled too, twinkling as if in reproach.

Back in the office, Eigenvalue, to see what he could see, inquired: “Who then is V.?”

But the conversational tone didn’t take Stencil aback, he didn’t look surprised that the dentist knew of his obsession. “Psychodontia has its secrets and so does Stencil,” Stencil answered. “But most important, so does V. She’s yielded him only the poor skeleton of a dossier. Most of what he has is inference. He doesn’t know who she is, nor what she is. He’s trying to find out. As a legacy from his father.”

The afternoon curled outside, with only a little wind to stir it. Stencil’s words seemed to fall insubstantial inside a cube no wider than Eigenvalue’s desk. The dentist kept quiet as Stencil told how his father had come to hear of the girl V. When he’d finished, Eigenvalue said, “You followed up, of course. On-the-spot investigation.”

“Yes. But found out hardly more than Stencil has told you.” Which was the case. Florence only a few summers ago had seemed crowded with the same tourists as at the turn of the century. But V., whoever she was, might have been swallowed in the airy Renaissance spaces of that city, assumed into the fabric of any of a thousand Great Paintings, for all Stencil was able to determine. He had discovered, however, what was pertinent to his purpose: that she’d been connected, though perhaps only tangentially, with one of those grand conspiracies or foretastes of Armageddon which seemed to have captivated all diplomatic sensibilities in the years preceding the Great War. V. and a conspiracy. Its particular shape governed only by the surface accidents of history at the time.

Perhaps history this century, thought Eigenvalue, is rippled with gathers in its fabric such that if we are situated, as Stencil seemed to be, at the bottom of a fold, it’s impossible to determine warp, woof or pattern anywhere else. By virtue, however, of existing in one gather it is assumed there are others, compartmented off into sinuous cycles each of which comes to assume greater importance than the weave itself and destroys any continuity. Thus it is that we are charmed by the funny-looking automobiles of the ’30s, the curious fashions of the ’20s, the peculiar moral habits of our grandparents. We produce and attend musical comedies about them and are conned into a false memory, a phony nostalgia about what they were. We are accordingly lost to any sense of a continuous tradition. Perhaps if we lived on a crest, things would be different. We could at least see.

Thomas Pynchon, V. (1963)

The bugs were infiltrating everywhere. Our liberals argued that it was not their fault because they were only doing it instinctively, not as part of a rational cold-ichorous plan, but in this world you judge by results, not intentions. In the twice-discussed logging towns, where life was cruder and more epic, the motivated observer stood some chance of seeing the big ones, the true backwoods wonders, whereas in our cities they hid themselves cunningly…

“Brace yourself!” cried my dentist. “I’m about to break through.” My gums hummed somberly with the vibration; there was the stink of burning enamel, and the dentist leaned all his weight on the drill to help it past the last defenses of extreme calcification while I gripped the vinyl arm-rests in suspense… Crunch! The tooth shattered. Nerves dangled there helplessly, unstrung. The bright yellow dentin dribbled mushily to the napkin under my chin. It was stupendous.

“Believe we got that one just in time,” my dentist muttered with satisfaction. And he squashed the little renegade opportunist beetles trying frantically to hide themselves under another tooth. “Go ahead and rinse out your mouth,” he told me. I leaned forward, drank from the paper cup, and spat into the little white bowl in which the threads of blood whirled furiously…

William T. Vollmann, You Bright and Risen Angels (1987)

And another from V.:

“Dudley, fella,” he told himself, “you’ve got no business with any of these people.”

But then, he did. He gave cut rates on cleaning, drilling and root-canal jobs for members of the Crew. Why? If they were all bums but still providing society with valuable art and thought, why that would be fine. If that were the case then someday, possibly in the next rising period of history, when this Decadence was past and the planets were being colonized and the world at peace, a dental historian would mention Eigenvalue in a footnote as Patron of the Arts, discreet physician to the neo-Jacobean school.

But they produced nothing but talk and at that not very good talk. A few like Slab actually did what they professed; turned out a tangible product. But again, what? Cheese Danishes. Or this technique for the sake of technique — Catatonic Expressionism. Or parodies on what someone else had already done.

So much for Art. What of Thought? The Crew had developed a kind of shorthand whereby they could set forth any visions that might come their way. Conversations at the Spoon had become little more than proper nouns, literary allusions, critical or philosophical terms linked in certain ways. Depending on how you arranged the building blocks at your disposal, you were smart or stupid. Depending on how others reacted they were In or Out. The number of blocks, however, was finite.

“Mathematically, boy,” he told himself, “if nobody else original comes along, they’re bound to run out of arrangements someday. What then?” What indeed. This sort of arranging and rearranging was Decadence, but the exhaustion of all possible permutations and combinations was death.

It scared Eigenvalue, sometimes. He would go in back and look at the set of dentures. Teeth and metals endure.

I’m tempted to go on and include the entire Chryskylodon sequence from Inherent Vice but I know no one’s read this far anyway. So instead: